Desperate House-Uncles

Richel and I were watching an episode of Desperate Housewives the other day when Lynette, the mother of 3 unruly boys was having problems teaching her kids discipline. They didn't use their seatbelts while driving in the van, which led to the mother getting pulled over by a policeman. The mother, in an attempt to teach her kids a lesson, later kicked her kids out of the van and left them standing by the side of the road while she drove off because the kids didn't settle down and behave in the car. This abandonment technique, I must say, is one of the most dangerous yet effective disciplining techniques for children.

Watching that brought me back to the days when I was a desperate house-uncle, taking care of my niece or nephew day-in and day-out. Don't get me wrong, I always loved taking care of them, but it takes a lot of energy and patience. Sometimes, I would just run out of both and would have to resort to drastic measures to get the kids to cooperate.

It was Christmas season of 94'. I was Christmas shopping with Nicole, my niece who was not yet 2 years old. She was old enough to walk and talk in Chinese, but was not yet well-versed in English. She knew enough to outright test authority as well, either verbally or by her actions.

Nicole, or Mui as I've always called her, was well-behaved for most of the morning. That is until we made our way to Kay-Bee Toy Store. Of course I had to see what was available for my nieces and newphew at the toy store. But after looking around in the crowded aisles at the toys, I didn't see anything that I wanted to get for the kids so I told Mui that we should get going.

"No!" she replied, as she was completely fascinated and taken with the slew of Barbie dolls that lined the shelves. I was patient, so I gave her about 5-10 minutes more of ogling over the dolls, then told her again that we were leaving.

"No!" she replied, again, as she continued to look at all the Barbie dolls.

"Okay," I told her in Chinese, "if you don't come, I'm going to leave you here all by yourself." She ignored my comment while continuing to look at Barbie. So I left her in the aisle and walked out of the store. Needless to say I didn't go far. I actually sat on a bench right outside the store entrance and watched, making sure she didn't leave the store with any strangers.

I waited for about 5 minutes, enough time to go by for Mui to realize that I had left. Now, the trick was trying to walk back in to the store and find Mui without some nut taking her out of the store at the same time. I would have to be quick in entering and finding her in the aisles right away. And so I walked back in, heading straight for the Barbie dolls and keeping a watchful eye out for Mui among the sea of children running in and out of the store with their parents.

It didn't take long to find Mui at all. Just in the Barbie section, there was a group of women huddled around a child sitting on the floor, crying. Of course, none of the women could understand Mui, who only spoke a few words in English. But the women were all asking Mui why she was crying, where her parents were, who she was with, etc. I made my way to the centre of the crowd and announced that she was with me, then picked Mui off the floor and said to her in Chinese,

"Are you ready to leave, now?" She nodded obediently with her entire back as children often do who haven't learned independent motor control of their necks. She continued sobbing after leaving the store, but she eventually calmed down.

Next stop was Mervyn's or JC Penny's or some big department store. While we were there we passed by a toy display, one which Mui was fascinated by, and so she stopped to take a look. I gave her a minute to indulge, then told her that we must be going. Again, she ignored me as she looked at the toy displays.

"Okay, I'm going to leave you at the count of three, then. 1...", and that's as far as I got, as Mui came charging over to stay with me. I wouldn't have dared to try the abandonment technique in a large department store; there'd be no way to monitor all the entrances and exits. But I didn't have to, as the bluff worked and worked well.

See? The whole abandonment technique does work, as it scares the crap out of the kid. Effective, but extremely dangerous in this day and age with psycho kidnappers. Would I do that to my own children if they were misbehaving? Absolutely. But I would be poised with a samurai sword right around the corner for anyone who would try to abduct them.